Why do you do this to me? Just when I decide to forget about this whole situation, because I know there’s no place for me, that you give me a signal of hope?

It’s so small, and I’m so pathetic and helpless. -_-

It’s not my place to want him. But I do. I see him walking around and there’s many things about him I like, but there’s also things about him that are so unsure. I don’t know him well, for all the fact we used to talk.

I hate it when I want something not because I want it, but because of what used to be. Because I could have had it in the past, and I didn’t go for that chance. Not because I regret not taking that chance, but I get jealous that someone else knows how it felt to take that chance, something that’s too late for me.

._.

Does that even make sense?

I want him, and I sound crazy.

I am so stressed. Mind dump right hurr.

School is stressing me out, I’m afraid that I’m going to end up with the same grade I did last year. Stats is okay though, so I’m not toooo worried.

I hate that mom is coming home tomorrow. She needs to stay away. College apps and online pre calc… Everythings coming to a head >:

Thank god there’s a 4 day weekend, or I might curl up in a corner and cry.

But you know what? I’ve realized the truth.

I can do way better. And he’s not the cutest. And this was just a fleeing fancy haha. :3

So much more I can do :D *looks somewhere else*

Because it’s true. I’m not even doing this out of disappointment, or forcing myself.

I guess if you don’t want to give someone the wrong idea, you shouldn’t interact, reblog, or like someone you don’t know’s things too much.

Maybe I can be the one to change his mind D:<

I doubt it LAWL

I.

Am.

SO.

sad.

right.

now.

LOLOLOL

In a “I don’t know if I should cry or laugh” way.

Okay, I truly give up LAWL HAHAHAAAHHAHA

Can’t change it >: Oh wells.

I love it. Recently, I’ve finally realized what that butterfly feeling is, and that it’s essential for any relationship. If it doesn’t exist, then… What’s the point of the relationship?

I see you and I feel butterflies that shouldn’t exist. Because we don’t even know each other well HAHA.

<3

It’s okay, I can settle for being friends. But first, I just need to get you to LOOK at me. I don’t even think that’s been accomplished yet >:

I can’t post things without fear of people asking me why I’m posting the things I am.

Because I can.

Because I am human.

Because I have feelings, because I hurt too, because my life does not just comprise of smiles.

I don’t want to be like my mother.

I love my dongsaeng, my best friends, my brofro, and to a very very lesser extent, my family.

That’s it.

Music, words, language.

Nothing else.

I want to tell people sometimes. Just dump every single thought that’s troubling my mind and do a mind throw up. Except I can’t bring myself to do it.

I feel like every time you trust someone with a secret, or even just a slight intimate thought, you’re giving that part of yourself away. I especially can’t do that to someone who likes me, or a guy ._.

It’s hard, to break away from the image that you’ve put up for yourself. I’m having all these issues right now, because I know everything is coming to a close. Once again, I’m cutting it close and the pressure is getting greater and greater.

I don’t put much faith in boys saying that they’ll listen to you. They either like you or they don’t have that intention. I just can’t do it. Can’t, won’t, ughh.

I refuse to rely on anyone even though I crave it. It’s so contradictory and I don’t know what I can do to change it.

I think the two of them are so cute. Ughhhh. They’re both in one of my classes and I find myself staring at them a lot of the time even though it’s not intentionally.

One of them has a girlfriend and I don’t really know him actually. I just like the way he looks.

But the other guy… I really like his personality, even though I don’t know him well. But I have good instincts and I know he’s a good guy that’s has a good heart but isn’t easy, if that makes sense. He has such nice hair that I always want to touch.

He was wearing a tank top today and when he stretched, the muscles in his back shoulders rippled. I don’t think there’s every been a time where I seriously just want to touch someone because of a movement. Haha.

I asked my friend to shave his head, so maybe I’ll stop looking at him so much. xD But I don’t think it works like that. He’s such a kid spirit at heart and I’d love to get to know him, but I don’t think that’s probable. I dunno, I don’t think it’s cuz I’m not good enough or anything, just that I don’t think I’m his type.

Ugh. But in the meantime, I want him a lot <3

I have a lot of things on my mind so I think I’ll do a partial mind dump.

I’m really glad I ended things. I know it sounds really cold-hearted of me, but I’m too selfish to ever want to give myself away to other people, or entrust myself. But the matter of fact is, you weren’t the right person for me to give to. Truth to be told, I only ever want to make that real and honest mistake once. I ever only want to fall in love once. So until then, I’ll wait and talk to people. It’s easier that way, I don’t have to commit and worry about things too much.

On the other hand, you’re fucking pissing me off. Can you please grow the fuck up or get the fuck away? I hate having to see your face and your antics everyday ._. The saddest part is that I even care. I need to get over this whole issue because you don’t matter to me. I don’t even know why it bothers me so much. Is it because the things you do remind me of myself? Or is it because I just like to feel superior to someone else? Either way, these feelings are so unhealthy and I’m ashamed of them at times.

I can’t wait for school to be over. I’m so tired of the same people, same routines, and home. Moving out is going to be so fun. I love being by myself and going places and not having to worry about other people. I don’t have to tell people what I’m doing, whatever. I can just do it.

I’ve been really stressed recently. There’s so much to do, so little time. I try to organize myself and all the aspects of my personality but it’s so difficult. I want to turn from a P to a J but even then, it’s like that part of me is broken ugh. All those college applications and school, trying to get an A in all my classes and just homework in general sucks. I hate how she’s always nagging about something that I can’t even start yet.

I can’t wait for December to come. Not only do I love the end of the year, because it feels like so much hope and good wishes for the next year will appear, but because by then I’ll be free of all those stress and I can be free to do whatever I want. I hope that she does decide to leave for 6 months. Life will be so much easier and I want to find a job. I want to lose weight and I want to have fun. I want to find a guy that I can have fun and be intimate with, physically and emotionally, but not fall in love with.

I can’t wait to watch more shows, listen to more music, and meet more people. October is going to be so fun. I really want a 2150 on my SATs :O I’ll get it!!!! Fighting! :3

But sometimes I feel so suffocated. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Loneliness or whatnot. I love meeting new people but I also only need a few in my life. I hate how everything is so unstable. I must accomplish everything I need and want to do.

Time management and prioritizing!!!!

But I have faith that everything will work out right. I know it and it will be. Everything will somehow fall in place, to the highest and best of my power. Because it always does.

It’s interesting to see the things I’ve written and the progress of time.

We’re together but not together.

Sometimes I regret my decision because I just don’t think I’m committed enough. But then I realize that when I think that, it’s not fair to him.

So now all I can do is sit tight. I don’t really want to admit to myself that I don’t want to work that hard, that I’d rather just give up and not try.

But I can’t. Because it’s not just about myself anymore. This is why sometimes it’s just nicer to be single because one can always be more selfish and not have to worry about hurting others.

Okay I still could, but the point is that I would care.

There’s something wrong with my emotions. I can’t help but think that I’m wired incorrectly.

Would you want me like the way I am even though I know I can’t give you more?

You’ll never be able to touch on the deepest part of me because even I don’t know where it is. I can’t even find the shadow of it’s existence on my heart, even though I know it exits.

I’m sorry.

All I know is that I can hang onto this and ride it out, even though I know one day we will have that ending and you’ll hurt more than I will.

But until that day, I’ve decided to make this leap and this decision, so I will see it through.

I may love you with what I can. Except it isn’t really love because I don’t know what that is.

So here’s cheers to the journey before the end, m’dear~ And keep dreaming until the day I come back and stumble once again upon this entry.

I tired of having a heart. I want to go back to not having one.

I hate it when I over think things.

I hate the fact that I get so easily annoyed with people but at the same time I want them close to me.

I hate that I crave people’s affections but in this world, it’s all about themselves.

I don’t want a heart.

._.

Day 1: The person I like and why do I like them.

I suppose there is someone that I could say I like. That word is so subjective though. I’m talking to a few people, but there’s only one that I could think of myself liking him. He is very far away though and I don’t think I’m someone who could do long distance.

Why I like him? I think he’s very cute, both physically and mentally. He’s older, mature enough, and knows what he wants. He’s intelligent, not socially awkward, and is funny. He can sing and sorta play an instrument. He also dances, so these are all pluses for me. He’s not religiously inclined, which I like. But even though these are qualities I like, and I’ve learned some close things about him, I’d like to know him better.

So I can’t say that I truly like him, only that I’m interested and would like to know him better. There are so many facades of a person, and you can hardly know all of them when you know that person in real life, much less know them over the internet.

I’d want to know his bad qualities, and then maybe we’ll talk. Though I do enjoy making fun of him. xD